I want to start off by saying this Coronavirus has had me feeling one day up, next day down, then hope again and I was up, then reading the news again, and boy I was down again. I felt like when I was a kid and used the see saw. Up and down and down and up.
Other than that, my life has been completely different. Normally I live in California, however due to business I am also very often in the Midwest. Well, this time around because of Mr. Virus I have been in the Midwest for close to 5 months. It’s wonderful here and as my friend Jill said:” You will love Milwaukee, the people there are kind and heartfelt”. Yes, indeed I truly got to appreciate Milwaukee and I can honestly say I love it. Do I miss my Malibu Ocean? Of course, but I know from having three children that we can love more than one place, or more than one person. So, Milwaukee is my “other home”, my heart is here, too.
I remember back in January of this year just about during or maybe after Chinese New Year, thus around the end of January, I already learned about this mysterious virus or illness that we now call the Covid19.
Our family was together early February for our Aquarian birthdays, six members have birthdays that month, though just our California family was together. When my husband had to fly to Chicago shortly thereafter, I asked him to wear a mask on the plane. He was first rather reluctant, but I felt intuitively that he had to have protection. A few days later when I flew to Chicago to meet up with him, I did the same. I wore a surgical mask on the plane. There weren’t many people wearing masks during those days and honestly, I can say these days still there are these “freedom of choice” people, who don’t want to wear a mask. They obviously do not understand how fast this thing can spread. Wearing a mask is not “stupid” or “crazy”, it’s not a political statement, it is wise because one takes care of oneself as well as the other people around you.
When I was in my 20’s AIDS broke out. I was married to a doctor back then and lived in Chicago. When our marriage went south, and we got divorced and I met the love of my life right after and I have been married to him now for 37 years. I recall asking him on one of our first dates:
”Do you have AIDS?” I remember him looking at me as if I had just asked him if he was a Martian. It was not widely known back then, just like in January of 2020; the coronavirus wasn’t known.
Having been in the Midwest for this long time now, I often miss my children, I miss our family dogs, the cat, Mr. Static, who has a tail that looks like he was accidentally plugged into an outlet and it got all wild, if you know what I mean.
I miss my friends; I miss the ocean yet most of all I miss my kids. And this is where now the meat of the story comes in. I am the kind of person that talks a lot. My friends always say it takes a lot to “shut her up”. I also communicate with family and friends often, actually daily. During this crisis this was like a lifeline to me. Hearing from my French girlfriend every morning. Meaning she goes to bed and leaves me a nice long message, not about anything in particular, but her day, how she felt, what she was going to do the next day etc., and then the next morning due to time change, with my cup of coffee I would listen to her message. Or my Austrian friend, she would do the same, not every day, but maybe once or twice a week. And my Hungarian friend, sending me funny message and oh let’s not forget my dear friend’s daughter who now lives in Switzerland sending via WhatsApp the most hilarious jokes. I would be able to laugh, and I felt connected.
And here’s the thing, my children, not so much. They don’t really like to communicate a lot. Actually, some of them don’t communicate at all, maybe once a month or every other month. That has been and still is very challenging to me. My mystical friends tell me to learn from this, to use it as a spiritual listening to what is going on inside of me. I hear that and yet it is honestly very hard for me to be so “above it all”.
I ask myself often “is it me”? Am I too demanding? Why should they have to text or call me? I talk to myself, question myself and then I answer myself. I used to make fun of my Aunt when she did that and here, I am now doing this myself.
I know my children (all my five musketeers) really love me, they always send me awesome gifts for birthdays, mothers day and boy do I get some awesome Christmas gifts. The thing is, I am actually not into gifts. Funny eh? A woman and not being into receiving gifts. These past few days, I learned that I have some medical issues and I had to and still have to go for some tests. My sweet husband sent out a text to the family while I was in the hospital and guess what not one person replied. What? Let me say this again Whaaaaat? He then went out and bought me my favorite perfume. The word in the English language I love the most is “Joy”. English is not my natural language, it is actually my third one. So, he bought me a perfume called JOY and he said it’s supposed to bring me joy. What a man, what a wonderful, caring, sweet man. Like I said the love of my life, maybe many lives before and who knows maybe many more to come.
My children on the other hand are very busy with their lives. They have to work, make ends meet, especially now that the virus has had to close most businesses and offices. So frankly and honestly my Mama heart was really hurt. I know it sounds hokey. Why should young people “get it”? Why should they respond to “Dad’s texts about mom?” “Mom always wants to text, she texts too much, she always wants us to respond, we have busy lives….”
Yes, that all is true and correct. And yet, like a little kid, I would so love, love, love to get a response. A word, a call, a text. Not only when they need money, a recipe, help with something. I would so love to hear from them when they DON’T need me for something. Hmm, I ask myself maybe that is asking too much from a young generation. Young? Well, let see 34, 30 and 26….too young? As Moira Rose in the Netflix series “Schitt’s Creek” would say: ”They are my Bébés”.
However, what is really going on? When I took the master’s class at the University of Santa Monica in Spiritual Psychology, we learned: “ the way I relate to the issue, is the issue”. WOW!
So, what is my issue? It took me a while, I dug deep, I mediated on it and here is what I came up with.
When I was a little girl my mother always preferred my older brothers. Nope, this is not an imagination she really did. She was helpful to me, she taught me incredible skills, yet when it came to caring and loving, she ignored me. She told me several times: ”You were not meant to be alive; you should have never been born and just so you know, you are indebted to me and to your brothers for the rest of your life”. After hearing that from age 8 on until she passed, I totally believed it. I would fly back to Germany, my original country, several times a year. She would call me in the middle of the night and told me she needed money for one thing or another and the next morning, I would rush to the bank to quickly wire some money. She would send me a letter, telling me she was craving American steaks and bacon. What did I do? I went out bought the most wonderful Filet Mignon—a large piece— froze it and of course included the breakfast bacon. Booked a ticket, flew for 12 hours to Frankfurt, rented a car, drove for 4 hours to her house and arrived with frozen Filet Mignon and breakfast bacon in hand at her home. The minute I walked into the house and after a quick hug and kiss, she presented me with a list of items she needed. By that time, I had been traveling for about 24-27 hours and was utterly exhausted. However, there was strong European coffee and so I downed another cup. Took the errand list and got what she needed. I then made dinner, precooked several meals and froze them for her. The next day I would clean the house.
Crazy? Yup, looking in the rear-view mirror, crazy. But I did exactly that. I was there for my mom. Why? Well, she wasn’t the nicest mother one could have, yet she was MY MOTHER. I loved her unconditionally and I knew what she needed, what she wanted, and I wanted to give THAT to her. I thought about her a lot when I was back in the States. Back then we didn’t have internet, nor iPhone, no smart phones, nothing like that. Once a week I would call her since I had gotten an international long-distance plan for my good ole landline. She was always happy to hear from me.
Did she ever reach out to me, call me, ask me how I felt? No! she would only call me when she needed me, kind of like my kids. ( Sorry my musketeers, I feel you may not agree, oh well, sorry if I am your “qualifier”). Although at least my children think of me, at least I want to believe that, and they buy gifts or cards for special occasions. Well, some of my kids do, not all of them.
So……during this Covid19 crisis, I could have used the loving and caring of my family more, of my children more and especially now that I have to have all these medical tests done. I have a friend who is lovely and also very practical, she would say: ”Oh get over it.” Well, maybe she’s got a point. Get over it, get over yourself, Barbara. You have wonderful children, a devoted husband and a great life. Be in gratitude, which you always teach in your seminars to other women.
And there we go……. I now choose to see, feel and be in gratitude. It took the good Lord a whole lot of different people to make the world….and Barbara your children are not you. Get over it. Accept it. Acceptance is the first law of Spirit. Step into it, step into acceptance and love what you have. Love unconditionally. So, you like to communicate and so what you always are there for others right away. Does the whole world have to be like that? Well, it would be nice. Yet it is not. And maybe your children aren’t even aware of how much you yearn for communication and maybe your family doesn’t know what THAT means to you.
Learning lessons:
- Love yourself first
- Be the change you want to see in the world
- Love unconditionally
- See the goodness, the loving in other people
- Other people have different ways to express their loving
- Be grateful
- Practice acceptance
- Let go and let God
So here I am, there she goes……….a renewed awareness has been made clear to me. I will try it on “for size” and see what it does to my Mama Heart.
With blessings and loving to all women and mostly to all Mamas,
Barbara
